Joke thread

[Axl]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."

[Axl]

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

[Axl]

Deep Thoughts

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

[Axl]

Deep Thoughts


It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

[Axl]

Deep thoughts


There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

[Axl]

Deep thoughts


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.

[Axl]

Deep thoughts


If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

[Axl]

Deep thoughts


If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

[Axl]

Rejected Hallmark Cards

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

[Mamgiowl]

Deep thoughts


If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

Yes!

Tee-hee

[Axl]

John was waiting to cross the street when a blind man approached with his guide-dog. The traffic sign turned green and instead of helping its master to cross, the dog raised its rear leg and peed on the shoes of the blind man.

Observing that, the blind man reached into his pocket and offered the dog a cookie.

John told the blind man in amazement, "If it is my dog I'd have kicked its butt!". The blind man calmly replied, "I'm going to. But I need to find its head first".

[Axl]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[Axl]

LOL


A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!!"

[Axl]

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed... and finds four Chinese men.

[Axl]

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.”

The father explained, “No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.”

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, “Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!”