Joke thread

[happymondays]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[happymondays]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

On the way they meet this old nomad. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"

[happymondays]

Drinking Vocabulary Challenge

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate


Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[happymondays]

Panda Warning

A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.

A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"

The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."

And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'

"What's it say?" asks the bartender.

The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."

[T.T]

Ive heard\that one befor but wasnt so polite.

[happymondays]

Loneranger & Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water.

He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

[Zebedee]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Alf,
so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Alf's old
Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was
so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor to learn her heart's exact location.

'Since you're a woman,' the doctor said,
'your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?'

She hung up without answering

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
With a gunshot wound to her left knee.

[medpretzel]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, handsoap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[StockeyDAW]

Yuk -- just what I needed with my lunch. Cheers LOL

[Cariad66]

You know you're a nurse when..

1) the front of your scrubs reads "Nurses... here to
save your ***, not kiss it!"

2) you occasionally park in the space with the
"physicians only" sign... and knock it over.

3) you believe some patients are alive only because it's
illegal to kill them.

4) you recognize that you can't cure stupid.

5) you own at least three pens with the names of
prescription medications on them.

6) you believe there's a special place in hell for the
inventor of the call light.

7) you believe that saying "it can't get any worse"
causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

8) you wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom.

9) you believe that any job where you can drive to work
in your pajamas is a cool one.

10) you consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

11) eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is
perfectly natural.

12) you've been exposed to so many x-rays that you
consider it a form of birth control.

13) you've ever heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow
ring, and twelve earrings say "I'm afraid of shots."

14) you've ever placed a bet
on someone's blood alcohol level.

15) you've told a confused patient that your name is that
of a coworker and to call if they need help.

16) your bladder can expand to the size of a winnebago's
water tank.

17) you have seen more *****es than any prostitute could
dream of.

18) you believe that not all patients are annoying...
some are unconscious.

19) your family and friends refuse to watch medical
sitcoms with you because you spend the whole time
correcting everyone and pointing out upside down
x-rays.

20) you don't get excited about blood, unless it's your
own.

21) you've sworn to have "do not resuscitate" tattooed on
your chest. Soon.

22) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal
is perfectly normal to you.

23) your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down
to eat.

24) your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift
change.

25) you believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

26) you believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a
recognized diagnosis.

27) you believe that the government should require
permits to reproduce.

28) you believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone
who utters the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet, isn't it?

29) you have ever wanted to write a book entitled
"Suicide: getting it right the first time."

30) you have ever had a patient look you straight in the
eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there."

31) you've had to leave a patient's room before
you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

[Cariad66]

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer..

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your **** , and it won't hurt as much."

[lockwood1956]

Oooooooooooo!

[Cariad66]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[Cariad66]

A doctor in Belfast wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant: "Murphy he said, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache he did, so I gave him Paracetamol".

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, I did sir", says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in, she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St. Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"

"Thunderin lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.


"I put drops in her eye ".

[Cariad66]

Cooperisms

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.


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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


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I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.


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Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.


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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


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A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '


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'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'


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A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'


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A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'


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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.


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Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners


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'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'


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'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'


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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.


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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'


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I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!


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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


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