Joke thread

[Axl]

And before reading this one i'd like to say i'm firmly against cruelty to blondes aswell

A brunette woman goes into the dr.'s office.
She tells the Dr. : "It hurts all over my body."
He says: "point to where it hurts".
She points to her shoulder and yells "OUCH!". She then points to her hip and yells "OUCH!". Finally she points to her knee and screams in pain "OUCH!!!".
The Dr. asks her "Are you a true blonde and dyed your hair brown?"
She says: "yes, how did you know"?
He answers: "YOU HAVE A BROKEN FINGER!!!".

[Axl]

Yo mamas so stupid she took a ruler to bed to measure how long she slept.

[Axl]

yo mama is so fat she landed on the sun and put the fire out!

[Axl]

Yo mamma so ugly she made an onion cry.

[Axl]

Yo mamma so dumb she tried to jump out the basement window.

[Axl]

Yo mama is so dumb that she shoved the phone up her QUACK!QUACK!QUACK!, and thought that she was making a booty call.

[Axl]

I actually really love my mum, but i can't resist posting some more


Yo Mama So old that I told her to act her age and she died.
Yo Mama So old that when she was in school they didn't have history.
Yo Mama So nasty she brought her own crabs to the beach.
Yo Mama So ugly we tied a steak to her neck so she could play with the family dog.
Yo Mama So stupid she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Yo Mama So fat she played billiards with the planets.
Yo Mama So fat she sat on a rainbow and made skittles.
Yo Mama So fat she sat on a dollar and made change.
Yo Mama So ugly that satan sent her back.
Yo Mama So fat that your dad has to have a "heavy machinary" license to have sex.
Yo Mama So poor that I walked in the front door and fell out the back.
Yo Mama So poor that I borrowed your skateboard and she called the cops saying her car got stolen.
Yo Mama So dumb she thought a harddrive was a rough road.
Yo Mama So dumb she thought floppy disk was when her back hurt.
Yo Mama So fat that when she sits around the house she sits "around" the house.
Yo Mama So fat she bathes in the ocean.
Yo Mama So fat she isn't allowed on the 2nd floor.
Yo Mama So fat that she needed a blinkin light so planes woulden't hit her.
Yo Mama So fat she seen a bus and thought it was a twinkie.
Yo Mama So ugly she scared Michael Jackson.
Yo Mama So poor she married Michael Jackson.
Yo Mama So old that she birthed God.
Yo Mama So fat she has to sit in the middle of the car.

[Axl]

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[Axl]

I bid you all a good weekend, and hopefully some of these postings may bring some joy to us all, see you all next week and have a nice weekend!

[Hippie]

hehehe

Being a part Native American myself, the indian joke is my favorite!

[Prairie Wine]

Two Minnesota hunters were in a tree stand, hoping to see some deer come along. In the distance they see a long line of cars coming up the road at the same time a huge buck comes along. They line up their shot on the buck, hoping it will come closer. A minute passes, and the buck remains just out of range. As the cars gets closer and closer, they look up and notice it's being led by a hearse. One of the hunts brings his gun down with a sigh. He stands up, removes his hat and stands there as the procession passes the tree stand. His buddy said, "Gee. I didn't know you were such a sentimental guy. That was really considerate of you." The first man said, "Well heck. It's the least I could do. After all, I was married to her for 35 years."

[Axl]

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why

You gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

[Axl]

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”

[Axl]

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

[Axl]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."