Joke thread

[spritzer]

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud banging at the front door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He is standing on the drive and calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[Cariad66]

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire

dating back 400 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 400 years ago.
> >
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of
20 metres and shortly after, headlines in the Daily Mail were: 'English archaeologists have found
traces of 500 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.
> >
One week later, 'The Western Mail', reported that: 'After digging as deep as 30 metres in a peat bog
near Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, Owain Rhydian Jones,
a local self taught archaeologist and ferret-sexer, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Mr Jones has therefore concluded that 600 years ago Wales had already gone wireless.'

[Rich]

Robbed.

Been robbed today, Just got home and all the windows and doors were open. Everything's gone. What kind of sick person does that to someone's advent calender!


Also bump for the old jokes thread, having not read any of these for a year or two I'd forgotten most of them!

[waggoner]

i got a Jehovah's witness advent calendar,,, when you open a door there's two people stood there.....

[bigshug1960]

I got home at shutting time on Sunday night only to find my wife sitting in the dark crying her eyes out. I immediately thought, some swine has upset her and it aint me, Ive not been home since Thursday